DUH! Neyce.

This is rant/ramble. so if you don’t wish to read my mindless ramblings then please scroll on. in fact i encourage it. 

I’ve realized that I’m not as open as I thought I was. Ask me a question and I’d say a majority of the time, maybe 90%, I’d answer it truthfully. That is, if it doesn’t involve anything about myself that’s negative or problem.  I don’t really like talking about my problems. Yeah I’ll rant or whine about things but never about the things that really bother me deep down. I’ve been raised with the mentality that your problems just weigh people down or is just a burden. Of course I’ve been taught that that’s not actually the case but it’s difficult to reteach yourself.  

My belief is that being sad or depressed is a waste of time. I’m an emotional girl but I fucking hate crying in front of people. This time spent being sad or depressed can be spent being awesome instead. I believe that I’m a strong woman who can overcome her own obstacles. Life, problem arises, get over problem, done. But even then maybe I’m over estimating myself.  Not giving myself enough to let it all out. Not letting myself be me. Not allowing myself the support I know I have. 

Fast forward to why I’m writing this blog. 

I don’t like where I am in life right now. 

Skip the usual whining about how life is unfair. Life isn’t fair and I already know that. yada yada yada. I’m just gonna talk about my thoughts about myself.

I don’t like my mind set and who I am right now.  I’m allowing myself to be in situations that the past me would’ve never guessed I’d be in. I’m compromising myself. I’ve become apathetic. I don’t know where I want to go or who I want to be. I feel that I’m wasting my potential.  I’m becoming complacent. I honestly don’t want to do anything. I feel lost, confused and alone. I’ve learned and I know better. I know of course this isn’t the case. I have wonderful friends and family who give me the best support. The problem lies within me. I know what I should do. But it’s difficult to move forward when I’ve lost my drive and motivation.  I’ve lost myself and I need to find my way back.

addressing that I have a problem is the first step. now to pick up the pace. 

I’ve had a few difficult times every now and then. It wasn’t until a couple years ago did I decide I should take out time for myself and do a little soul searching. It wasn’t anything too dramatic. I would just take a moment, maybe more, to just stop, think and reflect. Ask myself various questions and answer them. Like ‘what’re you doing here?’ ‘is what you’re doing what you want to do?’ ‘are you happy or at least content’ to simpler questions ‘am I hungry?’ ‘what do I feel like eating?’ sometimes I just let my mind wander.

I did this because I realized that things are difficult because I didnt really have a grasp of who I am. When you don’t have a firm grasp of who you are and what you want it’s hard to move forward. You’re so caught up with your choices that you don’t end up making one.

I realize that things change and people change. Although I thought I had found myself I let myself get away.

So here’s to finding myself again. I do love me a game of hide and seek.