DUH! Neyce.

I wanna punch you in the face just to even briefly stop all the stupid that’s coming out of you right now.

If your life had a face I’d want to punch it.

You suck.

At least sometimes you realize you’re dumb. If only these things would occur to you before you do something stupid.

/rant

Grass is green. sun is mother fucking warm.

my own wu sahhh chant

I hate dumb.

/rant

This is rant/ramble. so if you don’t wish to read my mindless ramblings then please scroll on. in fact i encourage it. 

I’ve realized that I’m not as open as I thought I was. Ask me a question and I’d say a majority of the time, maybe 90%, I’d answer it truthfully. That is, if it doesn’t involve anything about myself that’s negative or problem.  I don’t really like talking about my problems. Yeah I’ll rant or whine about things but never about the things that really bother me deep down. I’ve been raised with the mentality that your problems just weigh people down or is just a burden. Of course I’ve been taught that that’s not actually the case but it’s difficult to reteach yourself.  

My belief is that being sad or depressed is a waste of time. I’m an emotional girl but I fucking hate crying in front of people. This time spent being sad or depressed can be spent being awesome instead. I believe that I’m a strong woman who can overcome her own obstacles. Life, problem arises, get over problem, done. But even then maybe I’m over estimating myself.  Not giving myself enough to let it all out. Not letting myself be me. Not allowing myself the support I know I have. 

Fast forward to why I’m writing this blog. 

I don’t like where I am in life right now. 

Skip the usual whining about how life is unfair. Life isn’t fair and I already know that. yada yada yada. I’m just gonna talk about my thoughts about myself.

I don’t like my mind set and who I am right now.  I’m allowing myself to be in situations that the past me would’ve never guessed I’d be in. I’m compromising myself. I’ve become apathetic. I don’t know where I want to go or who I want to be. I feel that I’m wasting my potential.  I’m becoming complacent. I honestly don’t want to do anything. I feel lost, confused and alone. I’ve learned and I know better. I know of course this isn’t the case. I have wonderful friends and family who give me the best support. The problem lies within me. I know what I should do. But it’s difficult to move forward when I’ve lost my drive and motivation.  I’ve lost myself and I need to find my way back.

addressing that I have a problem is the first step. now to pick up the pace. 

I maintain these empty relationships because I’m scared of being alone. I’m hung up on having a companion because I’m scared that no one else will find me worthy. I think im just as awesome and have as much to offer as the next person but I feel like maybe they won’t notice it the way I want them to

It’s a little saddening that I struggled writing that. In the sense that it took me effort not to down play how I felt. Which I find myself doing often.

I need to be more honest with myself and how I feel. Acknowledging I have a problem is the first step right?

/rant

Warning: As said in title this is a rant. Do not read if you don’t want to read my bitch ass whining. But I need to vent sooo yeps.

How many times I gotta fucking tell you that I hate flakes? I mean I give people leeway, the benefit of the doubt, and I try to be nice and understanding but still you fucking suck. A LOT. If it was a last minute hang out deal then sure. Something comes up? Why not. But at least update me when you realize you can’t hang out with me. I don’t mind waiting but I FUCKING HATE waiting in vain. In addition if you’re going to flake on me can’t you at least have the decency to reschedule? 

Speaking of schedule, don’t fucking tell me to schedule a hang out with you ahead of time only to cancel on me the day of. What the fuck is the point of fucking scheduling ahead of time if you’re going to cancel on me the day of? Then you reschedule and flake for each day that YOU fucking picked. If you’re not entirely sure if you can hang out with me then that’s fine.

I’d totally settle for a maybe and a I’m not sure then being given a time and it not being followed through. I leave my schedule open for you bitch. You know how precious time is? I can’t get that shit back.

And this is where it gets a little personal

I know you got fucking shit to do and there’s a bunch on your plate but don’t pretend that you can hang out if you can’t. And honestly you fucking suck. You barely fucking respond and don’t even really keep me updated. Don’t say you don’t have enough time cause I know you have a little. And you know I never really cared how long we hung out just as long as we did. I remember when we were fucking swamped but I would just meet you up so we could nap and be tired together. It’s not that you don’t have enough time. You’re the one choosing not to hang out with me.

Thanks.

I’m really trying to not give up on you but it’s difficult when i feel like you’ve given up on me.

random rant

slightly irritated when you stop dating someone and you guys say “yeah we’ll still be friends ” but the next thing you know they delete you off facebook. well done.

i know it’s facebook and sometimes it’s whatever. but don’t say that we’ll still be friends when you don’t make effort in the friendship. don’t say we’ll still be friends if you don’t really wanna. i don’t know how many times i have to say that im a big girl. say what you wanna say, if you don’t wanna be my friend then alright. i respect that.

see a few folks in a new light. i didn’t think that they’d be the type of person to do stuff. you say that we’re cool with being friends but you just wanna keep the title of “friends” so you can say hi whenever you’re lonely. so you can say “hi” when you just wanna have “fun” although you already have another love interest.

/rant.

jazzievalerie:

Because you never see a reblog with a thousand+ notes on a thick(er) chick. The real world does not project images of women who look like Raven Simone or Jennifer Hudson before they lost weight. So, there’s my answer. Females are insecure because of what they see on tv, online, etc. Half of tumblr boys reblog woman half naked. Would you like to change that?

random rant

there’s a bunch i could say about this. but i’ll try to keep it to my personal opinion and experiences.

i’m not going to front, i can get a little insecure about my appearance probably because i’m my own harshest critic and i’m sure many folks are. one reason i feel insecure about my appearance is not because i don’t look like other folks. i could give two shits that i don’t look like angelina jolie. she’s a beautiful actress. and we’re pretty different. i just don’t like how i can see how unhealthy i am. i just don’t like how it feels or look. it’s cause i know i’m not at my full potential

i really don’t mind being thick. i kinda like it. i like the fact that i can fill in shirts. being thick has actually saved me a few times. had i not had some extra love around the edges i wouldn’t be as capable as i am now.

so besides that let’s get back to why i felt like writing this blog. i keep seeing blogs talking about how girls don’t really want guys to post stuff containing half naked women. all because the posts make them feel insecure. in my own personal opinion, i don’t really give a fuck if guys post half naked girls on tumblr. it’s fuckin’ tumblr. i think it’s also because i have an appreciation for the female body. i think it’s fucking beautiful. so some of the time when guys post these girls i actually kinda appreciate it. i’m not going to hate on guys cause they see someone pretty. only because i feel the same way. i think girls do the same thing. er well basing this on the people i follow and myself. i’ve seen plenty of girls, including myself, post half naked pictures of men we admire. for eg, TREY SONGZ, adam levine, channing tatum just to name a few. we just find these guys aesthetically pleasing but that doesn’t necessarily mean that is all i look for.

the celebrities i admire compared to what i actually enjoy physically in a guy are very different things. i personally like my guys with a little love around the edges. i dont like a guy i feel like i can break, nor a guy where i feel like i’m hugging rocks.

i also find it interesting, some girls are talking about how half naked girls get hella notes while thicker women don’t get as much. but when was the last time you saw a thick/big guy get hella notes? i’ve seen more thick women on here then i do see thick men. also who are you women following? i’m just saying. we pull many double standards.

but then again who am i to say this?

Those moments where you wait for your emotions to catch up to your thoughts.

You never fail to make feel like a failure or fuck up when I feel like I least deserve it. Don’t get me wrong, I love you with all my heart, but you really need to get your anger issues in check. I swear you’re a little kid every time you blow up at me. and i swear every time you blow up at me it seems random. I wouldn’t mind if i feel like i did something wrong and you got mad at me but half the time i don’t feel like i did. You’ll get mad at me for coming home at 12am when there were times i came home at 4am. You’ll get mad if i don’t close the door right or other shit. now you’re mad at me because of a stupid phone? i bought the damn prepaid phone but i thought you were the one who was going to handle getting the prepaid card. you think i like not having a phone?

blah blah blah rant rant rant.

i’m just fucking mad irritated. i hate it when you’re mad at me and i especially hate the reasons why you’re mad at me.

i turn into a little bitch whenever you’re mad at me. i can’t really handle it.

Straight irritates me when folks just say what they want/need to say and hella bounce right after. I barely get a chance to respond and all of a sudden you leave the conversation? rude. not even a bye?

it makes it seem like whatever i say or think doesn’t matter. my bad busy person can’t even wait for me to say yeah. i guess what irks me the most is when they don’t say bye. i mean it’s fine if the conversation is dead and neither of us is talking. i’m not tripping. or if we’ve been talking for a bit and something comes up. or maybe you lost signal. shit’s all good. but if you just message me, call, start talking to me and then all of a sudden cut. shit is rude.

i just really dislike being left hanging. here i am taking time to talk to you and you’re not even give me the courtesy of a goodbye? i dont wanna keep talking and then realize you’re not even there. shit makes me feel stupid.

a few folks keep doing this to me. just wanna put it on the damn table that i fucking hate this shit. i’m a pretty patient and forgiving person. i’d like to say i’m pretty understanding as well. but bitch if you guys keep doing this i’m not gonna take the time to even listen to you anymore.

well here are my two cents on nice guys.

i think there’s a huge difference between being a good guy and being a gentlemen. don’t get me wrong they’re both great guys who’ll treat you good. but there are things that these nice guys forget. these nice guys think that just because they’re nice guys these girls will like them. they think that just because they do these things for the girl the girl will/should like them. what good guys forget is that they need to “woo” the girl. they need to establish an attraction and build a connection. cause essentially attraction separates a guy from being just a friend or a potential significant other.

i dunno. i’ve heard these self proclaimed “nice guys” talk sometimes and say that they do all these things for her or they know all about her. but in the end it’s not about what you do or know but how you make her feel.

i’m also thinking about these nice guys. maybe they should think about what they’re doing and what they could do different. or even who the hell they’re even liking. cause it seems like you’re pining over the same dumb females. who knows maybe there’s a nice girl pining over them.

but that’s just my two cents.

i’m dumb.

i always try go for the good but when that doesn’t work i settle for the “bad”. in the end it sucks

i guess i got in trouble for settling or maybe not knowing better. i’m supposed to leave once things go “bad”.

but in all honestly can you blame me? i’m fucking lonely. i don’t come across this often. so can you blame me for trying to have it for as long as possible? i’m my own worst enemy i guess. i don’t know when to quit.

i mean i’m strong. worst has happened. that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

note to self. people are getting tired of your shit. either find a solution, move forward and if nothing really changes don’t talk about it. you can’t complain if you’re the one putting yourself there and not trying to get yourself out of it or whatever. (exception since this is tumblr and it is a blog)

another note to self. stop putting yourself in these stupid situations. if you know there’s a chance of it being dumb get out of there. remember youre human and can only do so much.

i’m done

oh well. let it all out, pick up pieces, move forward.

break ups/rejections/going different ways. whatever you call it nowadays.

i like to pride myself in saying that i’m a relatively strong girl. i go with the flow. if it was meant to be it was meant to be. sometimes things dont work out or the timing is wrong. as much as you don’t need them and already have that ‘on-to-the-next’ mentality at the end of the day there’ll be a moment where it sucks. at the end of the day for a brief moment someone you liked didnt want you.

just sayin.

i’m pretty good.

i’m done

no emo.